ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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