I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
