omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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