That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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