My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
