Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
