I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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