apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
