Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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