Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
