Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
