The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
