i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
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You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
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But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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