I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
