I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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