i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
