just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
