I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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