chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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