you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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