my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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