He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
