Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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