look no pants
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
