So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
