Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
