Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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