I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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