just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Dating After Heartbreak
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?