Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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