I wish my penis had an off switch
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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