New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
