he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
How's work?
Spinning.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
