oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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