Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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