I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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