So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
that is very illegal...i love you.
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