I cannot find my penis.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
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Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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