We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
