I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
