Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
There's always time for handjobs
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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