Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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