I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
