a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
