I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
