the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
