I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
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I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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