I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
