Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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