woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
