you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Be still, my beating vagina.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize