got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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