i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
