Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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