My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
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I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
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do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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