im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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