I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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