2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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